Mar
9
How Do You Silence a Creative Mind? Threaten to Take His Child Away.
I walked into a courtroom several months ago, faced with losing my daughter. I didn’t do anything wrong; on the contrary, I tried to do everything right. I played by the rules. That little girl is my life, and in the end, the truth rose to the surface. But the interim was hell, and the aftermath will affect us for years.
You can’t imagine how it feels to sit in front of a judge, and have opposing counsel accuse you of everything from drug abuse, to alcoholism, to neglect. But the pièce de résistance came when they made it clear they were going to use my book’s main character, Douglas Cole, as the justification for tearing my child away from me. Douglas is — for a significant portion of the novel — a delusional drug-addict and alcoholic. As an aside, he eventually becomes an enlightened being. But opposing counsel wasn’t interested in that. And, of course I’ll state the obvious: I don’t use drugs, and I drink only moderately — and never when I’m with my daughter.
Imagine, if you can, having Child Protective Services come to your home — to make sure you’re not the monster another person has portrayed you to be. It was congenial, and CPS quickly ruled out the charges leveled at me — expunging my name from their system permanently, and taking careful note of the impetus behind the accusations; I don’t think they were thrilled to have been dragged into this battle. But they did their duties, and they did it gently — and with great respect. For that I commend them. The most troubling part of the entire ordeal, however, was that I was assumed to be guilty, and I spent months — and an unimaginable sum of money — establishing my innocence. I didn’t think our legal system worked that way, but apparently family law is the exception.
For those of you who are aspiring to write fiction, be careful how deeply you delve. The human imagination is profound, indeed, but it can get you into trouble with the things most precious to you. For what it’s worth, the truth won this time. I jumped through the requisite hoops — as established by the Texas judicial system — and I came out a winner. I have primary custody of my daughter, and that’s all that matters to me. But just before the hurricane began, I was elbow-deep in Discipline’s sequel. I no longer have the stomach for it — especially if it can be used to take my baby away from me. And I certainly wouldn’t think about writing it if I couldn’t pour my imagination into it without fearing what that might cost me.
These days, I am careful about everything I say. Even writing this terrifies me. I’m crippled; I stare at my fingers, hovering over keyboard, and I wonder, should I write that…? And the demon just cackles on my shoulder.
In the end — and after I invested almost $100,000 in attorneys — my little girl’s mother was crushed by her own deposition, which revealed some shocking behavior. Her stories about me disintegrated around her, and yet the deep ramifications of her absurd and horrifying accusations have no affect on her, and she remains unapologetic.
So, for the next 16 years, I will only write softly and with great care. I will love my little cherub unconditionally and put the past behind us — always with the objective of being the absolute best father I can be.
Ultimately, I don’t know if I will ever be able to get past the events of the last 12 months. I will certainly never be the same.
You can buy Paco's novel Discipline wherever books are sold.
6 Comments so far
It's very unfortunate that your ex tried to use your daughter as a pawn in a game of "Hurt Paco".
She should have realized that, regardless of her feelings for you, your daughter comes first.
She should have buried the hatchet (preferably not in your back), and concentrated with you in raising your daughter to the best of both of your abilities instead of engaging in this incredibly destructive and selfish behavior.
Hang in there, bud. Don't dwell on the negative. Move forward with your little girl and your damaged psyche. Be positive with yourself and time will heal the wounds.
I hear these stories over and over. It's remarkable how much governments all over the world favor mothers. I'm sorry to hear you had to endure that.
TJP
The most terrifying thing I've ever faced. Even though I knew the evidence was so strongly in my favor, it was amazing what the courts tolerated from her. It was like getting hit in the head over, and over, and over. The allegations were the stuff of fiction, and yet here I was having to prove myself worthy to have a relationship with my daughter. For six months, I did nothing but research and collection. It was a gargantuan task, but it paid off.
It's still surreal to me: just a couple of phone calls and a few accusations, and anyone can destroy a person's life and reputation.
It is a broken system everywhere that has little to do with the well-being of the child, but everything to do with expansive government.
As the responsible aunt and uncle of a damaged 9-yr-old niece (born addicted to meth), we've been experiencing the fullness of the system since she was finally removed from her mother's care by CPS a few months ago (after 15+ complaints to CPS regarding ability to parent). Crappy mom gets all the "services" the state can muster and the full rights accorded in legal defense so the state can do everything it can to "return the child to home". I empathize, Paco. Best of wishes to you and your child.
I know EXACTLY what you went through. EXACTLY, with exception that mine re-occurred every three years on average (i.e., every time my ex wanted to stop paying child support and harass me.) I raised my son on my own since my split from the ex when my son was 3 months old. My ex never cared about my son – just wanted to take him away to spite me for leaving him.
Bottom line is, you never know someone until you try and leave them. The betrayal of divorce was quite enough for me to never venture into Relationshipland again, and that does not begin to account for the last 11 years of absolute mental, emotional and financial hell (legal fees) on TOP of the divorce, that this person has put my family and me through.
My ex had the gall to purge up something I supposedly wrote online about 10 years ago, and present it in court at the last Civil Protection hearing (I filed papers AGAIN on him for stalking and harassment.) I could not say I wrote it, because you know how easy it can be to copy/paste and edit nowadays. This is when you say to yourself, "Am I not entitled to my own opinions or anger?!" and wonder if the First Amendment actually applies to you too, or is it just a privilege enjoyed by some.
I hate CPS and all their equivalents, who were so eager to throw me under the proverbial bus and farm my child out to a foster home, in less than a heartbeat if they could have pulled it off. I had none of the respect you got from them at all, and during my trial by fire, I was undergoing cancer treatments that rendered me almost useless and certainly unable to be at the top of my game to defend myself adequately. I cannot begin to tell you what hell I had to endure at the hands of these people – and NONE of their allegations were ever proven – because NONE of them EVER HAPPENED. You're right – "just a couple of phone calls and a few accusations, and anyone can destroy a person's life and reputation. "
Best of luck to you Paco, and congratulations on your victory. It is truly a shame people have to be the way they are sometimes. The best we can do sometimes in situations like these, is the best we can do – for our kids, and for ourselves.
I was heartbroken when I read this eloquent posting summarizing what you had previously sketched for me, the horror of it, and the unfathomable profound impact upon your life. I am old enough to have witnessed a few of these battles where far too often the child is a pawn and suffers inestimable damage.
Some years ago had a friend who wasn't the "winner" as you were in this case and I am so glad for you. My friend's life, his raison d'être, was essentially removed, and he was never quite the same from that point on as his life revolved around his son who was very young at the time. Then, at least it seemed so in California, possession of a vagina automatically conferred the favor of the court decision on that biological factor alone with rare exceptions. He changed eventually losing touch with many of his friends and as a result to this day have a poignant place inside almost 20 years later when I think of him. We were close and I still care about him although I have no clue what he is doing nor where…. or if really truth be known.
I tell you this only to demonstrate that I have some very small understanding of what you went through albeit from an observers perspective or what could have perhaps been referred to as "just another fucking observer" a favorite term used back then to describe the plethora of those surrounding us seemingly on the outside looking in and not weighing in to help or take a stand.
I selfishly cannot help myself in wondering whether the spark remains for us to have a glimmer of hope for the sequel that this ordeal may have crushed in your creative psyche? Your book just may be my all time favorite of thousands read over these many decades and I can obviously make it by in life with what you have already gifted us all with but my hope dies hard. I hope you will forgive this perhaps trivial query of mine.
Take care Paco … here I paused for a while trying to think of something comforting or witty enough to possibly provoke a smile.. but words fail me. I am grateful to have never had to persevere through such a soul rending experience involving my children…. Into my thoughts unbidden came thoughts of "The Dark Night Of The Soul" or "The Night Sea Journey" though parsed, reused, and varied too many times to count at its heart it strikes me this may be such an event in your life. I would like to hope there will be no more for you in your life as my personal experience tells me more than one is possible though in my case unrelated to the cause of your experience.
If you'll forgive my possibly maudlin waxing… This could suffice as a summary of my life:
And were an epitaph to be my story
I'd have a short one ready for my own.
I would have written of me on my stone:
I had a lover's quarrel with the world.
•The Lesson for Today
Sincerely,
BILL
….the endurance of darkness is preparation for great light. ~ St. John of the Cross
As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being. ~ Carl Gustav Jung
“In the real dark night of the soul it is always three o' clock in the morning, day after day.” ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
One may not reach the dawn save by the path of the night. ~ Kahlil Gibran
If you're going through hell, keep going. ~Winston Churchill
We acquire the strength we have overcome. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
He who has a why to live can bear almost any how. ~Friedrich Nietzsche
Pain is never permanent. ~St. Theresa of Avila
Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain…. [A]ccept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields…. ~Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet, 1923